sand_boxing | PSL | voicetesting?

[Saya doesn't bother to lull her high temper as she stalks through a long corridor, the sterile decor mocking her with silence. Wherever she is, it's as much a prison as the lush halls of the household where Saya has been kept for months, eating from her keepers' hands, Diva and her Chevaliers yanking her about like a mutt gone off its training. She had longed for freedom often enough to be disgusted by this twisted version of it: no answer to her calls and still, still no memory of herself before her recent sleep.]

[It's late, likely days and days since she fed. Not too late, however. Whoever she finds will get at least a chance. Saya should be grateful for that -- she struggles to decide, all the sicker for it. Has Karl plied her into the beast he claims her to be?]

[Saya approaches a heavy wooden door and raps it, but her irritation waits for no answer. She twists the knob nearly off and pushes through, red eyes flaring, not much thought for what she might find. It could be no worse than where she's been.]

[Perhaps he was meant as a present, an offering to help ease Saya's restlessness. Or a meal, one of sweet, divine blood to sate Saya's thirst with.]

[Whatever the intention, on the other side of the door, is a lithe figure with six white wings wrapped around him. He slumbered, but his eyes open at the sound of the door creaking open, and a slither of light that creeps into the otherwise pitch black room he's been tossed in.]

[There's a moan as he starts to uncurl. Feathers loosen from his wings and float to the floor.]

Hey! Who's there? [Setsuna sounds a little grumpy himself.] I wanna leave now.

[He gets up, ready to rush the door. He doesn't clearly see Saya, yet.]

[Tempest that her current mood is, she doesn't catch on to the feathers until it's too late, the door swinging open and leaving her standing there, bereft of words and breath. It might be the first time she's truly sworn to herself since she woke up.]

[Small favors, she's distracted enough by her wounded emotions for the inhuman glow in her eyes to fade. Rejection is not something she was built for, and with her hunger and mood both so piqued she's bound to react less than charitably. The likely factor of a curse has no place in the twisted logic of singed feelings.]

Never mind. [Whirling on her heel, deciding that the aggravating corridor is preferable to being rebuffed -- or worse, humored]

Saya!

[His eyes widen as they adjust to the light, but it's her voice he recognizes first.]

Don't go! [He had no idea she was there.]

[Don't go. Words she hoped to hear from him, before, when he was mocking her feelings over the network, but now only fuel the tinder-spark of her indignation. (Which is better, at least, than hurt.)]

[And still, still his words dissolve her steadfast will, quick and bitter as salt in water, and her feet refuse to move another step. All the more sign that she should have stopped this weeks ago, this pretty lie that she could ever have anything other than the futile dreams of a naïve child. A pretty bird in a gilded cage that shocks her anytime she tries to touch.]

Why? [She meant it to be sharp reproach, but instead her voice is prayer and pleading. He doesn't care about her, she's just another thing for him to try and fix -- that's what she decided, anyway, the alternatives having all been far more sympathetic to him than she could allow her bruised ego to accept.]

Because I need help? Because I'm not even sure where I am, or how I got here.

[He reaches out a hand for a moment, but does register the hurt and frustration in her tone. He pulls back when Setsuna considers it, and why she might be feeling like that. She has every right to it, of course, but it's not like wanted things to go that way.]

And I haven't had a chance to talk to you. After that whole freak show.

[He runs a hand through his hair, holding back the want to whine about how much he hates The City sometimes. Playing with his emotions and toying with his mind, and affecting everyone around him.]

[Help? Saya nearly scoffs, overtired from her own ponderings. Too likely this is a curse, some trick of their minds that traps them in the circumstance least apt for comfort. Beyond that, she has no answers, and her mind is too bursting with questions to reach for any even were they possible.]

I don't know what this place is, or how I got here. [There. Answered. Stilted but honest, as much so as she can allow herself to be when warring pieces of her want to rush into his arms or tear his throat out with only a blur of glowing red irises to prepare him. Saya isn't sure which impulse wounds her more.]

[Rather than flare menacingly, her eyes sting until she forces them shut. Knowing what he must intend to tell her, curses and poor timing and feelings for her that don't rise to her painfully obvious desires, everything she knows already, it doesn't ultimately matter. Saya knew from the beginning how it was, and he'd told her often enough in ways explicit and otherwise. The rebuffed Queen in her doesn't much care for logic, however, only for the aching loneliness left behind. So crushing that it sent her to Karl's door with no excuse of a curse to defend herself, and saw her splayed on the edge of his desk with only moonlight and gleaming eyes separating them. (The call of their blood is a folly worth clinging to, but isn't that only proving her point?)]

I get it. You didn't want to hurt me or whatever. [But he did, and that it's never his fault can't fix the triple-knotted mess inside her. She can't hear it again, his way of letting her down easy that makes it impossible to be furious.]

[That would be their lot, going from one curse to the next, without any real time in between to recover and discuss. Her answers get a frown out of him. Not helpful, but that's not her fault.]

[He wants to rush to her, to hold her, smooth her hair out, but even he knows that wouldn't be a good move at the moment and holds back. If he knew about her dalliance with Karl, Setsuna wouldn't know what to make of that, or what to say, considering their own turbulent relationship, romantic or not.]

No. Not like that! [Setsuna shakes his hands and head with frustration.]

None of that was me. I mean, it was, but it was the City fucking with my head.

[But even hearing the words from his own mouth, he pauses, not blaming her if she's still mad about that. It makes zero sense.]

[Her will, already fractured, snaps into jagged pieces at his words, and she whirls around, eyes flashing in ways both human and not so. Saya promised herself that she wouldn't so this, but it will hardly be the first vow she's broken -- she's so tired of calculated risk, cause and consequence, thinking three times before she leaps.]

It's not the City, Setsuna. It's me. [She's not shouting, yet her throat is raw. Thirst or loneliness, she can't possibly name which is more desperate.]

You are the first thing I ever knew. The only place I've ever felt safe. The only other things I know about myself are what Diva and Karl tell me. [And they want her to be... theirs. Not her own. Nothing they could say will ever be as true as she needs.]

I have nothing but those walls and whatever small leash they give me, no past and no future, and anything I try to do for myself, I know that they would end it just to see me suffer. [Her eyes are blazing now, casting unnatural crimson shades on the walls.] You're the only one I can stand to be close to because they probably can't kill you, like they tried to do to Charlie. And because I'm terrified of what they'll make of me if I do the right thing and give you up.

You have... had... Sara, and Kira, and -- [She doesn't say Hatter, or bother listing anyone further, because it's not really about that. It's not the dumb engagement, or whether it was a curse, or anything like that, Saya just latched onto that because it forced her to face things which make her do this.]

[And that reality has her eyes warped now, her pupils slit like a cat. Like a demon. Like everything he deserves better than.]

And I'm glad you have them, because if I had any --

[Before she can say yet more things she'll regret, Saya's eyes dim as she wavers on her feet and pitches sideways, catching herself on the wall, remaining standing but not by much. In a strange way it makes her point too well: she can't fight anymore, and she'd much rather drown on her own than pull him under alongside.]

[Safe? She felt safe with him? And that was the only time she felt that way? Setsuna has no words to handle that revelation. He at least shuts his mouth for a bit and listens to her words. Even then, he remains confused.]

I don't think giving me up is the right thing to do. You'd just be giving them everything they want and letting them control you. That's not living.

[It's a good thing she didn't say Hatter, because as far as Setsuna's concerned, that one really didn't count.]

[He rushes to her side. Setsuna could care less if he drowns. He'll do it gladly, and make the choice to do so without a second thought.]

Saya! What's wrong? [A beat.] Haven't you fed lately?

[That he knows what she's grappling with is somehow worse, because of course he'll offer, and she hasn't the strength to deny him. Maybe never has had it. Instead of shoving him off as she should, for both their sakes, she collapses against him, clinging. Why does everything have to be like this?]

[Doing the right thing would be the coldest possible comfort, and maybe she's just too selfish.]

You're -- such an idiot, [is what she finally says, her voice muffled in his chest. Telling him to just go away never works, because she can never bring herself to say the only thing that would work, a horrific lie that somehow feels more honorable than the truth.] They'll find a way to kill you just to break me. Or kill anyone who means anything to you. [Or they'll use me to do it, she can't manage to say. That would be, after all, the ultimate vengeance.]

I'm not worth it, Setsuna. [Part of her begs him to just take the out she's dangling, because even if it will break her anyway, at least it would be for some good. The rest of her clutches at his shirt and doesn't know how she'd ever let go.]

[Setsuna laughs a little as he strokes Saya's hair.]

I know I am. [Telling him to go away also wouldn't work because he's stubborn. He keeps coming back, even when Kira suggests Saya might not be the best for him. None of those words matter when she's holding onto him like this. The unspoken desperation worries him. He'd just wonder why she always wants to deny herself the things she obviously wants.]

[Oh right. The killing part. Yeah, that might have something to do with it.]

You are. [Those words he says with reverence, voice gentle. The next part he grins for.]

Besides, I don't stay dead long.

[ Might have something to do with it, yes. Claiming he won't be dead for long isn't the comfort he might have thought; whether he returns or not, Saya wouldn't be the same. Even recalling his once-upon-a-time casually mentioning that he had died makes something twist inside her, despite that she heard it from his own lips, despite the way his arms are solid around her. If it happened because of her there would be no going back, not as overeager as she always is to sink into self blame. ]

[ If he could look inside her head right now, put a visual to her clumsy words, she thinks it might change his mind. He's offering comfort, and she only sees torment. And then there's the not inconsequential fact that it's taking a great deal of willpower not to tear his throat open. ]

Why? [ is all she manages to say, squeezing her flaring eyes closed and biting the inside of her cheek to keep everything else inside. Whichever part he assumes she's asking about will suffice, but she's specifically wondering if it's because Setsuna still sees her as the helpless hatching who needed him so desperately -- but then, given how she's close to raking open his shirt with her grip, perhaps she hasn't changed so much as she wants to believe. ]

[If he still mistakenly sees her the hatchling he first met, that's part because he likes having someone to care for. The other part is first impressions. He can move with the changes, though.]

Because the thought of being away from you hurts. Because I can't just leave you. Not like this.

Because I care. [And there is no why for that, he just does.]

[ They've been over how stupid that makes him, so she won't belabor the point, but refuses to concede it. Just as loving him as she does won't make any difference in the end, neither will his stubborn determination to stick by her. ]

[ She does consider, just for a moment, confessing some awful truths: her memories of senseless, freefalling slaughter, about what happened with Karl, twice over, and once without even the excuse of a curse. It would be cruel, but that's the point. It would hurt him; that's also the point.
She can't manage it. Such a coward. ]

It won't last. It never does. [ Just -- that warning, her voice barely a whisper as though speaking the words makes it any more true. In the end he'll be gone, or he'll hate her, or she'll sleep for decades and wake with only a pleasant void where his memory should be. It always happens that way. ]

[ She takes a breath, as if to say more, but her hunger crashes through her, eyes blaring red, and she frees a hand to cover her mouth. Some part of her knows he's about to offer his blood to her anyway, and she tries hard to remember how sickening that should feel.

[He's so accustomed to being called stupid at this point, it wouldn't do any good to repeat, or say it once, or say it differently. He barely registers the fact any longer, and definitely doesn't care.]

[Cruelty gives him pause, would be effective, for a short time. But it never lasts.]

[There's a soft laugh.]

Nothing lasts, Saya. That's why you gotta enjoy it when you get the chance. That's why I live the way I do. Why I'm gonna stick by you, as long as you let me.

[ Nothing lasts sends her thoughts straight to Haji, her Haji, the shade of him she cut down while his true self flashed in her mind. That brief glimpse held more meaning than the whole of her memories since waking in the City, and if she weren't busy trying not to rent Setsuna's neck open she might have said so just to prove him wrong, a tinge of that cruelty that's still flitting around her head. Some things do last -- but not the two of them. ]

[ And if what he says is true, then she should do as she likes. If either of them are left wanting in the end, as they assuredly will, it's not her that's making it inevitable. ]

[ This is where she should ask, her voice weak and pitiful, for permission to drink his blood, the bare minimum of proper behavior. Whether past caring or taking his words as implicit permission, she doesn't bother, just releases his shirt to grab a handful of his hair to bear his throat while her glowing red eyes bore into his, looking directly at him for once. He'll have half a moment to stop her, but short of a dramatic intervention she simply takes what she needs, fangs first, entirely lacking the hesitation she'd shown in the past. ]

[Nothing lasts, even the things he wishes would. Or the things he wants to make last forever. So instead of worrying about it, he tries to forget about that part. It never occurs to him what his own cruelty is. How his lack of consideration can affect others. Even now, as he's improved and tries to think first, he still lets his mouth do more damage than he could ever make up for, and more than he could ever physically inflict.]

[As far as Setsuna's concerned, his earlier words were a blanket permission. He's too simple to worry about much else. Setsuna tilts his head, giving his neck willingly to Saya.]

[He does notice the difference, not despite being unobservant, but because he observes everything Saya does, and is well aware of how her feeding usually feels. This is hurried, desperate, and Setsuna attributes that to how hungry she must be. It pangs him to think of how long she must have gone without a meal.]

Saya...I'm so sorry.

[ His apology bothers her, his obedience bothers her, so much that she's forced to question her insistence upon being bothered. It's easier, certainly, but not what she wants (isn't it?). Setsuna isn't Haji (for what very little she knows of him), isn't like anyone else within her shallow memory, and there's a reason she keeps drifting towards him despite the riptide that should yank her away. At some point it's more than the current forcing her hand. ]

[ It doesn't help that drinking his blood is -- soothing. Easy, in all the ways it shouldn't be. Saya tries to remember that it's not just her, that Setsuna has a way that should draw in broken things like herself, but somewhere between gulping down his blood and shuddering against him the thought escapes her. ]

[ He's correct that this isn't like her other feedings, and when she's done there's a void where shame or avarice should be, her mind filling the space with the only thing left: gratitude. So easy, in these weak moments, to remember why she loves him, to believe that, against every better piece of her, that those feelings could be enough, to expand her delusional little bubble one more moment, one more day. She pulls her mouth away before the punctures close, using the blood dripping down his shoulder, the few tears she allows herself mingling in the blood trails, hoping he won't notice. ]

Don't apologize, [ she finally says, still against him, voice steady and eyes already drying. ] I can't tell you to go away properly when you're being so -- Setsuna. [ She smiles a little, at last, dryly. Damn persistent angel. ]

[He isn't the type to be obedient, ever the rebel, but it's different when it comes to those he loves, the ones he respects. He also likes to care for people, protect them. He feels he has failed Saya there, more than once already. ]

I'm apologizing because I should've found you sooner.

[It's that simple to him. It's his fault if he didn't get there in time. Maybe she wouldn't already be this hungry if he had found her earlier.]

Why...why do you want to tell me to go away? [A little more firmly.] I'm not gonna. You know that, right?

[ Saya pulls back to look at him, her eyes human-seeming once again. Whether it's stubbornness or a fool's hope, he hasn't, or won't, heard the reasons she offered, and there's only so many hearts she has to pour out. She's told him they will end badly, and he won't accept it, and it's terribly endearing. She was never built to be as alone as she deserves. ]

[ It's wrong of her to want someone beside her as her life goes down in flames, yet she does. ]

[ Reaching out, she brushes his hair behind his ear, a gesture they've traded since he found her at the Zoo. ] I know. But I don't want to keep hurting you, [ or myself ] and I think that's all I can ever do. [ So just -- remember, when it all goes bad, that she tried. ]

[To him, all of Sara's reasoning doesn't change any of it. He's a fool. Even now, Setsuna still believes they might change things, or be able to overcome reality. He's too used to that working.]

[And Setsuna thinks exactly the opposite, that it's only natural to want someone beside her, that it's right. That him being by her is right.]

[His lips curl up at the feel of her fingers, and he reaches over to do the same in return.]

But people always hurt each other, even unintentionally. That's part of having relationships. It's not about not hurting people. It's about how to deal with it, and making up for it after.

[ That is a truly ridiculous argument when dealing with an immortal Chiropteran Queen and her unending blood war, Setsuna. Even for you. But because it's him, because of all he means to her, because when he touches her like that it dredges up the few precious memories which don't horrify her, and a little because she knows it will do no good whatsoever to argue, she won't. Not this time. ]

[ Her head tips toward him, not quite at her behest, her forehead resting lightly against his. Knowing this is a terrible idea isn't, evidently, enough to tame her pitiful, selfish desire to keep him close. ]

Then, I guess I'll let you make it up to me. [ It's intended almost as a joke, truly it should be the reverse, but it'll just set off his righteous selflessness again, and he's said enough for her to justify herself. A dangerous habit he has, that. ]

[Setsuna can be very stubborn, exhaustively so. To the point he will argue endlessly with an immortal Chiropteran Queen, with all the danger she can bring to him.]

[Gently, he rubs his forehead against Saya's, eyes closed for a second, before he brightly smiles.]

I'll make it up to you. Whatever you need. [His tone is soft and amused, but there's still sincerity to his words.]

Did you get enough blood?

[ Another foolish thing to say, not only because she could take such advantage of that in the wrong frame of mind, but because it reminds her of another time where she drank from him, all too willingly: You can have all my blood. I'm completely yours and yours alone right now., he'd said, and she'd wanted nothing more than for that to be true. Some part of her still wants that, even if it could never be. ]

I don't need blood, [ she says, her voice finally softening. If he wanted her to open to whatever he's offering, mission accomplished. They'll both regret it in the end. But she's no longer going to fight him; she fights too often, too long, to exhaustion and beyond, and she hates it. ]

PSL | voicetesting?

Saya Otonashi | Blood + | Poly memories (canon memories subconsciously)

Also with Poly memories

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wow nevermind she wanted to tag this right away ;;;

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